Thursday, September 22, 2016

Shortcake returns in 2016

Gentle readers and followers,

Good news!  Shortcake will return to the Macy’s, the interwebs and the cohort of bloggers this Christmas.  For those counting, this will be her eighth year (in nine) working for Santa and her fifth year as a strawboss.  She went in for her interview at Macy’s this morning (a mere formality at this point).  They actually had the temerity to ask her why she wanted to come back this year.  Shortcake gave the interviewer a look.  You know, a look.  The one that says “are you really asking me this question after I moved farther away from New York City than the North Pole and still came back every year?”  The interviewer said they had to ask.  Shortcake shook her head.  Corporate rules.  And she said she came back because it’s part of her identity now.  If she’s not a strawboss, not an elf, not someone who takes care of Santa and protects the Christmas magic, then who is she? Certainly not Shortcake Jingleberry.

Also, what, we’re gonna leave Cider in charge?  (That’s a joke.)  (Mostly.)   (Cider is a very capable elf who takes great care of Santa.  Shortcake aspires to be just like him one day.  Only female.)

But while Shortcake is constant like Lake Michigan, changes are afoot. 

Krampus is not returning.

Noooooooooooooooooo, Shortcake hears you wail, while you read this on your internet-connected device.

‘Tis true.  ‘Tis a pity, but ’tis true.  Krampus proudly put in his nine years at Santaland and has moved on to warmer climes with gentler breezes. 

Genie is not returning.

Nooooooooooooooooooo, Shortcake hears again, as you continue reading this disheartening missive.

Indeed.  Genie has secured more consistent employment, and while she will miss Santa and is sad to leave him, it’s the best thing for her.

So that leaves an opening for a strawboss.  (Of course Cider is coming back.  Cider is heading into his ninth year at Santaland and his fifth as a strawboss.  Cider and Shortcake are like Legolas and Gimli, sharks and lampreys, corruption and Chicago politics.  One cannot get by without the other.)  (Cider is Legolas, and Shortcake is Gimli.)  (Cider is the shark and Shortcake the lamprey.)  (It is unclear which strawboss is the corruption and which the Chicago politics.)  (Metaphors and similes are hard.) (Shortcake doubts Cider is as attached to their partnership as she is.)  (This does not hurt her feelings.)  (Maybe Shortcake should stop writing in parentheses now?)

Ahem.  Before she got distracted by her own comments, she was discussing the future third strawboss.  Shortcake and Cider have not been consulted on who it should or will be.  They will find out… soon, we hope? 

Meanwhile so many other elves are coming back!  Dash!  Ruby!  Peppercorn!  Gingersnap!  Dumpling!  Ribbon!  Tippytoes! Gingerbread!  Hopefully Teddy Bear and Estrella and Spritz and Sprinkles!  Pippin’s not coming back.  Boooooo.

If you are hoping to visit Shortcake (and Santa) at Macy’s this year, please come Mondays, Saturdays and Sundays before 3pmand Tuesdays after 4pm.  (Cider got first crack at the schedule, so he took almost alllllllllllllll of Shortcake’s preferred weekday opening shifts.  Shortcake was shaking her fist and crying “Cideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer” until she realized he’s been working weekends for the last four years while she had them off, and it was her turn now, and also it was actually a very generous thing he did, since this schedule automatically gave her Dec. 21-23 off, which she needed. So then Shortcake apologized to Cider for being ungrateful.)

As always, when you come visit, tell the elf at the front line, the one wearing a headset, that you are there to see Shortcake.  Or, if you can’t make it to New York, you can e-mail, and Shortcake will forward your message on to Santa.

We open Friday, Nov. 25, 2016 (Shortcake’s dad’s birthday!).  Mark your calendars!