Weekly Update

This is your weekly update. It's not as well-written as Shortcake would like, but she figured it's better to get the information out there than angst about literary worth.

Snapshots:

There was a little boy who told Shortcake she wasn’t real. She held out her hand and said, “Touch me.” He told her she was real, but not a real elf. She said, “Of course I’m a real elf.” He asked why she wasn’t wearing real boots. (Shortcake admits, the fake boots look stupid.) She said, “’Cause boots don’t have arch support, so I’m wearing sneakers.” He asked if Santa was real. She said, “Yes.”

There was a family from North Carolina that came to New York for the weekend for the girl’s birthday. They saw Santa, went to Rockefeller Center, and basically had a grand old time of it.

There was a man who brought his 3 year old godson to see Santa. The little boy had decided they should switch coats, so the man was wearing the boy’s blue coat as a hat, and the boy was wearing the man’s coat. It was so big; you could barely see the boy. He kept saying, “I’m not a person, I’m a coat!” It was adorable.

There was a group of 5 families with 13 kids between them. They weren’t related; they just played football together, starting 2 years ago, became friends, and now came to see Santa together. There were 2 families missing even. The kids were rambunctious, tackling each other in the waiting area while their parents bought the photos.

There was a family whose Dad hadn’t waited in line with them, so he tried to join them in line. This is against the rules because it’s not fair to the people waiting in line behind them. Shortcake stopped him. She was informed that everyone at Macy’s was an “idiot.”

Special Santa got to sit in the house with the Peek Window, and Shortcake was his Photo elf. It was an important moment because Santa had been told he would never be allowed to sit in the Peek Window house, yet, there he was!

Celebrities:

Julianne Moore came to see Santa. Shortcake exchanged a few words with her that were not particularly witty or memorable, but Ms. Moore had a good sense of humor about the whole thing. It went like this:

Shortcake: “Please step forward, filling in all the available space. You can step forward to see, uh, -“

(She meant to say “the workshop,” then realized the sign said “this way to Santa,” but Shortcake didn’t want to see say “You’re almost to see Santa,” ‘cause it’s a lie. There are about 3 more corners to turn before you’re almost to Santa.)

Julianne Moore: (smiling) “The stuff over there. Go thataway.”

Shortcake: “Yes, exactly. That stuff through there. Go see that.”

She told you it wasn’t particularly memorable.

Advice for Saturdays:

Shortcake worked crowd control all day Saturday because the line was so long, and, if Shortcake says so herself, she’s good at it. By the time people saw Shortcake they had already been in line for a half hour, maybe, so they were cranky. Shortcake tried to cheer them up by telling them they were on a treasure hunt. “Santa’s the treasure, and he’ll bring you treasure on the 25^th. The elves are the secret clues pointing you in the right direction. You’re on an adventure taking you to far-off places and foreign lands you never thought you’d visit. It’s like Gulliver’s travels; pretty soon we’ll have talking horses and Giants and Lilliputians. We’re searching for Santa. Nothing’s ever in the first place you look, but we’re checking here anyway. You never know where Santa will show up. Maybe one of the reindeer escaped, and then he had to go looking for the reindeer, and now we’re looking for him.” When the treasure hunt didn’t work, Shortcake tried the sentimentality tack: “Think of the stories you’ll be able to tell in years to come. You’ll be sitting around the dinner table and say, “Remember that time we went to see Santa at Macy’s and waited in line for 2 hours?”” And when that didn’t work, she took the train tack: “The Polar Express is moving, folks. Please step up. Thank you for your patience. Due to construction on the track, the express is running local this weekend. It’s just like the Subway. We appreciate your understanding.” After those three tacks, people were past Shortcake, visiting another elf, and she could start over. In the pauses while the line wasn’t moving, Shortcake talked to the visitors. She asked where they were from, guessed ages, sometimes sang “Jingle Bells” or “Rudolph.”

When waiting to see Santa on a Saturday two weeks before Christmas, do not be surprised if you end up waiting for 2 hours and stand in a line that wraps around the HR department of the store. When asking “when is a better time to see Santa,” do not be surprised when elves tell you weekdays. There will not be a short line on Saturdays or Sundays. Ever. Nor will there be short lines the Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday before Christmas. Be smart. Come early in the season, and do it on a weekday.

Do not take give the elves dirty looks when they direct you in the line. It is not their fault you decided to come see Santa. It is not their fault there are this many people in front of you in line. The line has to go somewhere, and it can’t be on the Sales floor because it’s already a madhouse.

Remember that at Disney World you wait in a line just as long to go on Space Mountain, but you pay hundreds of dollars for it. Visiting Santa is free.

A lot of local people came in last Saturday: New Jersey, Long Island, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Manhattan, Connecticut, even some Staten Islanders. Apparently, they thought since it was two weeks to Christmas Macy’s wouldn’t be full. HA!

Languages:

Shortcake has met people from Venezuela, Columbia, Puerto Rico, West Indies, Brazil, Albania, Romania, Slovenia, Russia, Hungary, Germany, Wales, Poland, England, Ireland, France, Spain, Sweden, the Netherlands and China. She has learned to say “Merry Christmas” in German, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, Swedish, and Dutch. She has forgotten how to say “Merry Christmas” in Welsh, Slovenian, Hungarian, Russian, Albanian, Romanian, and Polish.

Cameras:

People go through Santaland taking pictures of everything. They take pictures of the trains and the dancing bears and the trees and the snowglobe and the toys and the penguins and most of all, their children in front of the trains and dancing bears and trees and snowglobe and toys and penguins. This does not make sense to Shortcake. She understands why people want to take pictures to remember it and show to other people, but if they’re taking pictures, they’re not walking through and experiencing it. If they would just enjoy the walk, they might be able to remember it as a time they spent with their family before the kids grew up and Grandma got too old to walk. Their kids could talk to Santa and tell him what they want instead of worrying about where they’re looking and if they have a good smile.

Also, taking pictures holds up the line. Which is just annoying to the thousands of people in line behind you. It’s the reason you’ve been in line for an hour. Why contribute to the problem?

Voice:

Last Saturday Shortcake lost her voice. By Monday she had a cold. Tuesday, she was back at work talking for 8 hours. Wednesday was the worst day of the cold. Thursday, Shortcake felt much better. She had energy and was excited to be at work. By the end of the day on Saturday, her voice was gone. Again. The party Saturday night did not help. It is now Monday, and she still sounds hoarse. She feels great, aside from some sniffles and a lack of speaking ability. She is now on the search for major rehabilitation drugs because if this cycle continues she won’t have a voice until January.